For many (if not most) of us, oral sex is a pretty standard activity but you’d be surprised at how many couples do without  — even if that means one of them is hurt, frustrated or otherwise not thrilled to be denied.

Here’s a post (snipped from dearcupid.org) that sums things up pretty well:

I would say more than 50% of my waking moments (and a lot of lying awake at night) has been dwelling on the following:

- All-consuming jealousy because my wife swallowed for her other boyfriends every time but is never even prepared to spit for me

- Resentment because I know I would do it for her without a second thought

- Feeling she can’t love me if she is prepared to rob me of this pleasure

- Not understanding why she isn’t prepared to discuss it or isn’t interested in finding a solution

The poster goes on to explain feeling foolish & selfish for bringing the subject up when his wife keeps shooting him down. Responses to this sort of letter are mixed. One on hand, many people agree that it’s unfair to hassle someone about their sexual preferences but then clearly the majority of replies come from others in similar situations, sharing their exasperations  and often admitting infidelity as their only path to oral pleasure.

While both guys and girls have issues providing oral, the majority of online chatter about “doing without” comes from disgruntled husbands/boyfriends. And in most cases, the wife/girlfriend in question was fine with sucking dick earlier in the relationship, but then later on lost interest. Somehow, “not now” turned into “never ever” and the poor guys are confused, upset and more than a little miffed at what understandably feels like a bait ‘n switch.

So what happened? And is there any hope for changing your partner’s mind, when she’s decided oral sex is not worth the effort?

First — there’s always hope.  Don’t hold it against your partner if old tricks fail to seem worth the effort. Blow Jobs are ridiculously easy to give when a relationship is new — guys are often so psyched to have lips on their cock that all it takes is a few licks to set ‘em off. I feel like that Owl in the old Tootsie Pop commercial:  “One… twooohoooo… three! <SPOOGE>”

But as time goes on, the thrill of getting your dick sucked must wear off, cause it takes longer and longer to finish. Or maybe you guys just get more relaxed about the whole thing. Maybe you think it’s great to just lie back and enjoy the sensations as long as you can. Maybe it feels better to hold back until you’ve built up a huge load.

Goody for you. Just keep in mind that despite the ravenous ladies you see gobbling Johnsons in porno flicks, most of us ladies aren’t as hungry for a mouthful of cum as you might think. I could go into the whole “tastes like snot, smells like gym socks” thing but really, isn’t sex kinda supposed to be gross? I mean, we’re animals, right? Sex is grunting & groaning & sweating & slobbering & musky smells & salty skin & gooey fluids & weird hair in embarrassing places…

So your partner may SAY she’s put off by oral sex, but I bet she’d suck George Clooney dry if he asked for it. My point is, so-called “aversions” are highly subjective and likely to change under the right circumstances. You might not be able to snap your fingers and turn into a fantasy fuck, but there are plenty of other ways to tip the odds in your favor when it comes to oral sex.

With a resistant partner, getting good head requires a zen approach. There’s no use begging, whining, threatening, withholding affection…  All of these tactics are needy & manipulative, which is never sexy. So try a different tack: decide right here & now that you DON’T want oral sex. That you, in fact, would refuse oral sex if offered to you.

Crazy? Hear me out. Oral sex is just one act in the huge scope of erotic possibilities two bodies can enjoy. You don’t need it. You might like it, but right now, that desire is not doing you any favors so put it aside. Be the master of your own urges, and give that one a rest. You can return to it later if this zen thing doesn’t work out but for the next several months, at least (I’d pick a full year, to be safe), keep oral sex off your sexual agenda.  Put it out of your mind.

Now, object is to connect with your partner outside the bedroom.  Assuming you’re the typical guy with no clue how women work, I won’t bother with vague directives like “Make your woman feel special” or “Show her you don’t take her for granted.” Here’s what you should do, specifically, to tap into your partner’s sexual energy, and redirect it for the greater pleasure of both of you.

It won’t be easy, but it’s worth it. Congratulations to you for having the courage to confront your partner’s limitations and convince her it’s not only safe to push beyond with you, but it’s absolutely fantastic to have that much fun in bed. If you can pull this off, you’re a hero. Seriously, it’ll be quite the coup.

But a tricky one. She’s not your enemy — her inhibitions are. You have to find the way around them. There’s always a way. Always.*

Tomorrow, I’ll explain everything…

* Unless she’s gay or you are a complete jerk, in which case this post will not help you. Best of luck, though.