So today’s a new day, and we’re going to cover the first steps in taking your partner by the hand and leading her to sexual enlightenment including but not limited to oral sex — both giving as well as receiving. Cause you’re a giver, right? No sense in trying this, if you’re lazy in the sack & just want to lie back while your significant other works you over. So we’re gonna assume you’re a generous sort, who honestly wants to bring more physical pleasure & passion to your relationship.

Let’s begin by engaging her in intimate but non-sexual ways.

Make her laugh. Don’t be a moron about it — you know her sense of humor, think of something she’d find really funny. Tell her you like her laugh. Look at her for one-two-three-four-five seconds, with a smile on your face that says, “I’m lucky to be with you!”  Say it out loud, if you can pull it off without sounding like a pussy.

Rub her back a little bit, don’t make a production outta it, just like 30 – 60 seconds of random back stroking, like you’re thinking of something else entirely and just touching her outta comfort or habit… absolutely no direction.

Brush her hair out of her eyes, or smooth out her shirt — these are just examples, feel free to branch out on your own. The deal is: you wanna get her used to your hands on her in kind, protective, non-grope-y ways. You’re reinforcing your connection by injecting some physical contact into your day-to-day exchanges.

Make  a habit of telling her you love her every day.  Yes, every day. Again, don’t make a big stupid deal outta it, just slip it in when you can, casually, and don’t even act like you have any hint of a need to hear it back. You’re the man. You’re HER man. She’s nuts for you, duh. When she says it back, you reward her with a deep look, then eventually work up to holding your arms wide so that she comes to you for a hug or a kiss.

Start with a hug, and a quick one at that — she may be suspicious of changes in your behavior, so you need to be as low-key and off-hand as possible. Once she’s coming to you naturally when you extend your arms, you can add a little peck but you don’t want her to realize you’re asking for more & more contact each time. So go back to the hug. And then next time a quick kiss, and then after that a hug… and then a longer kiss… and then back to hug…

Get it?

You’re essentially conditioning her to perform an act of physical affection on your command.

Of course, you are loving and respectful and in no way training her like a circus animal. But you really can shape behavior in big ways by starting at the farthest possible point, and taking baby steps all the way. When it comes to helping a partner overcome sexual inhibitions, the idea is to find ways to encourage her to come to you for physical interactions, not just in the bedroom but anytime, anywhere. If you establish she’s the follower and you’re the leader, you greatly increase your odds of working through her boundaries.

So ask for kisses or hugs often. Ideally, you’ll be able to point at your lips or cheek and she’ll know to kiss you there. Then you need to add your neck. Your earlobe. Next, try your wrist. Your shoulder. Your chin. The tip of your nose. Not all in one day, just add a new area every other day at the most.

Pace yourself, buddy. You cannot even seem the tiniest bit pushy, or you’ll lose ground. Don’t worry about being your old self in bed, just maintain the status quo, there. But these new encounters you’re orchestrating where you’re asking her to “perform” — you need to be purely motivated by affection, not sex.

Kissing, though, is sexy. Some areas she kisses may give you a little “rush.” Tell her which ones, but not in a creepy way.  Tell her it’s a fun fact, almost like you’re surprised, “Hey, that feels niiiiice!” Ask her if that’s a sexy place for her, too. If she doesn’t know, tell her, “Hold still,” and kiss her there. If she likes it, yay, you have an erogenous zone in common, then let it go. If not, oh well. There’s always next time. No worries there, either.

Again:  you may be talking about sex, but in a non-sexual way. You’re building trust, you’re showing her you can take the lead, physically (even sexually), and not pressure her. In other words, she’s un-learning any pressure she may have grown to associate with sex lately.

You’re guiding her to think sexual thoughts, but outside of her usual experience. And you’re controlling her new experience, keeping it completely positive. Key point: you are in control, not her.  Think: easy, gentle, light-hearted. Keep her wanting more, wondering what’s next. Getting a partner to perform more in the bedroom is not unlike an elaborate game of “Follow the Leader” — help guide her to better sex, a better relationship.

So keep at her with the kisses and hugs, and eventually it’ll just feel natural to both of you, to be catching hugs & smooches, and talking about what feels good, where. Linger longer in your kisses, as the moment allows. Don’t rush it but don’t be stupid — you can tell when a woman wants you to go farther. Give her some. Not all, just some. Break it off early, promise to get back to it later. Let it happen, or not. If you tease her enough, you can string her along for a long time, if you want. Build up the tension so she’s likely to say yes to anything to finally have you.

But I’m getting ahead of things. No, you’re not pushing for oral just yet. But you are starting to pay attention to the erogenous zones you’ve found on her. And perhaps now you ask her to pay attention to your erogenous zones (other than the ones between your legs). Make extra effort to make encouraging noises, but of course keep within your character.

If possible, express how things feel — if your bed talk sounds like porno script, a good trick is to simply narrate your sex. Describe what’s going on:  “I’m watching you kiss my chest and your hair is so blonde and your boob in my hand feels warm and the nipple is so hard and my dick is hard too and now I’m going to touch your pussy…”

Even if you sound like a sportscaster, you need to keep at it with confidence to find your groove. The point is not to turn her on so much, but to impact her brain with sexual imagery. Don’t lay it on too thick in the beginning, and always be positive & complimentary. The object is to connect your voice to her thoughts & actions, in a positive way. Again, you’re gently leading her to accept your direction in the bedroom.

So work on this for awhile, until it feels natural. Now it’s time to introduce porn. I’ll explain more tomorrow!